Arcadia Child My photos that have a creative commons license and are free for everyone to download, edit, alter and use as long as you give me, “D Sharon Pruitt” credit as the original owner of the photo. Have fun and enjoy! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
When a child is acting out or having a tantrum, the question for me is ‘can I see past the kid’s behaviour to their Heart’? Even when my child is screaming ‘I hate you and want to hit you’ can I see her suffering?… and beneath that her love?
I reach to connect with her underlying needs and feelings and, in a sense, refuse to believe what she is saying or doing represents her innermost truth. I don’t mean we should ignore the behaviour, mind you. Limits that ensure everyone’s safety and wellbeing, as well as keeping property protected are very important… but I just do not believe that behaviour truly represents ‘who she is’! I keep looking and listening for clues of what is really going on and what is getting in the way of her being her highest, most loving self. What is she feeling, how is she perceiving this situation and how is the reality of this experience for her? Then I act with all that in mind – seeing her as Love, even in the midst of a storm of anger, fear or sadness.
My primary aim, then, is not to stop the ‘wrong behaviour’ but to re-connect, validate the feelings and meet the underlying needs. I do not deploy time-outs, consequences or other punishments to try and get her to do what I want. Instead, I slow down and try to listen and connect first. Amazingly, I find when that truly happens, when she feels deeply heard and understood, when her basic needs (not all her wants!) are met, the behaviour very often corrects itself, as if by magic. She just needed to feel loved and seen for who she is. And when she feels safe and secure in my love, again, she wants to co-operate, she wants to work with me and find solutions for going forward together, because she too loves me.
This sounds romantic, but actually, it is based in hard science. Neuroscience now firmly tells us that kids cannot physically take in what we are saying to them while they are upset (and if they are throwing a tantrum or acting out, trust me, they are not in their ‘happy place’). When the brain is flooded by stress hormones, the pre-frontal cortex (the seat of reason, logic and empathy, among other faculties) pretty much literally shuts down. Then the part of the brain left in charge is the limbic system. The limbic system processes and records feelings. With the impulse-control center (the pre-frontal cortex) shut down, kids are now pretty much all feelings and impulses.
If (instead of punishing or banishing) we can take a minute, stay with them, listening, modeling calmness and, through our loving presence, validate whatever emotion is coming up for our children (because, let’s face it, all emotions are valid. You are never wrong for feeling what you feel – you just do – it is how you deal with those feelings that counts); if we can keep them and ourselves safe (physically preventing them from hurting anyone) while still baring in mind that they are, at their core, LOVE, they will in time return to centre. When all their emotions are spent, when they have expressed themselves to the full and they feel heard and held by us, in our caring heart – then they return to themselves, their pre-frontal cortex is ON again and now they can truly hear us. Now, that they feel accepted and loved, they can listen to any guidance we have to offer. By this point, I for one, don’t feel like pontificating or lecturing. Usually if the limits are clear (“I will not let you hit”, etc) then there is little need to explain why nor is there need to ask why they did it. If they’ve just been crying for 30 minutes or more, it is clear that they were letting go of a huge backlog of anger, fear or stress that was causing their behaviour to go off-track.
And so, this is it, the magic of positive parenting and why we don’t need to use punishments or rewards. When kids feel loved, connected and understood they most often want to co-operate. So, my main job, at any time, is to do what I can to keep that connection alive in my heart and in my kid’s.
This is work, the true work of parenting, for me. It is not always easy (AT ALL) and I am forever learning more… but this path of conscious, peaceful parenting feels good to me. You?
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If you are interested in the neuroscience there are many good books out there popularising this stuff and making it accessible to everyone. For a really easy to understand explanation of this stuff (the neuroscience of kids emotions and how they learn both to ‘behave’ and to empathise with others) I would recommend The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. which is also chock full of practical tips for applying this knowledge to your parenting.
Other related posts:
- By Janet Lansbury: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/05/dont-fight-the-feelings/
- By Julianne Idleman of Hand in Hand Parenting (founded by Patty Wipfler): http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/parent-education-listening-and-limits/
- By Genevieve Simperingham founder of the Peaceful Parent Institute: http://peacefulparent.com/how-to-set-limits-while-maintaining-the-connection/
Enjoy exploring those, too. :)
Loving Earth 
Ooops! I meant my comment to go to this post (rather than the previous one, which is beautiful, too, by the way!). Well, such is being human! So to recap — YES! Yes to empathy and connection before ANYthing else. I see in my own life and in my professional life as a therapist that kiddos WANT to be aligned with us and will more often than not “act well” when they feel connected. There is WAY too much focus on “strategies” for managing children’s behavior out there rather than on the INNER work of mom and dad and resourcing mom and dad so they can respond instead of react. Thank you for this beautiful post. I’m aligned with you!!! Lisa McCrohan
Thank you Gauri, I loved reading this. When parents understand their children’s underlying needs and feelings in this way, the problems can be solved, everyone becomes calm again and the children’s self-esteem is enhanced because they feel understood. Thank you so much for writing this. I will most definitely be passing it on!
Cheers. Glad you like it. I always feel like I am receiving royalty when you come to my page, as you are such a respected parenting educator. THANK YOU for visiting!! <3
Cheers. Glad you like it. I always feel like I am receiving royalty when you come to my page, as you are such a respected parenting educator. THANK YOU for visiting!! <3
I always try to talk it out with my 4.5 year old son but he NEVER wants anything to do with it. He’ll kick, scream, hit, head butt, throw things. When I try to talk to him he screams at me to “Just get out!” & either cries for awhile then comes out fine or it goes on and on. He’s mostly violent with his dad, who thinks anything but spanking is me “preventing him from being a father” and has NO idea how to handle our son. He yells back, holds him down when he starts kicking which makes our son MORE upset… the whole thing is so messed up. I always try and talk to my son about what’s going on with him but the rejects it, slams the door in my face. He WON’T talk to me so what do I do?!!!!
I love this stuff in theory, and when it seems to “work.” Sometimes my best efforts only lead to more nasty lashing out. I wonder if you have ever found that there is a limit to what this sort of thing can accomplish in a particular situation? That at times, separating myself can be more fruitful both short and long term, if it can be done warmly and with a readiness to reconnect when she is ready, rather than trying to keep (warmly) pushing through when all she seems able to do in response is react, keep fighting?